This is me, I dont know who that is yet, but its what I do know

How do you know when you are in the right relationship? I know you can not expect to be happy all the time and I know that they are work, but when does it cross into more then just work? When does it cross into wrong, or not the right person? How do you know that this is going to be the person forever, that they are going to be the right person for you forever? I do not get how people can figure that out, or how they know. I mean I love my boyfriend, but is he going to be the best person for me forever? Is he going to help me be the best person that I can be? I just don't get how you know, or when you know that you have gotten the best for you. I have been with TAB for almost two years and I still do not know, and sometimes I doubt, but that does not mean I don't love him, that I do not want to try and have a future with him, but how do you know, and if you are with someone who isn't right for you will loyalty keep you from finding the right person?

This morning, I was suppose to make it to a ten am class, and well the fact that it is ten am is a hard enough time for me, and even more so that the teacher gave me permission to skip the class makes it harder to get out of bed. I just want to start over and get out of here as soon as I possibly can. I need to start fresh, I want to start fresh. TAB and I talk about florida or california, I hope for California, I just want something different, but the sooner I can the better not only for me but for us. There are too many bad memories here, too much past that it is time to leave behind, including my haunting birth family. I love them but I need to let them go, and I need to let go of the ways that they make me feel. I am not a bad person, so why do I act like one sometimes? Why do I make myself seem like a much worse person that I am? How do I change all of these things about me I hate, the things that were never there before? How do I get away from everything and everyone like I need too? I just want things to be okay, and for things to work out. I love Tom, I love my new family, but I need things to change or at least the memories of things to change.

I know, I complain about how things are going, how I feel and yet, when have I ever talked about what I did wrong? I was needy, demanding and in some cases selfish. I didn't trust him, not just for his own doings, but my own insecurities, and the damages that were put onto me since childhood and has since continued to burden me. I know that what happened was not okay, and I also know that in many cases the problem with our relationship was not and is not just him. I hope getting it out will help, but I know that it will take time and work, thankfully he is still with me and waiting for me to get all this.
I have lied, gotten emotional over nothing, cheated and done so many things to harm and ruin this relationship. He was there for me through tremendous amounts of pain and agony that I was going through in my personal life. I will not dwell on my mistakes, I will not cry over them but I will acknowledge them, and I will change
I promise to myself
To trust him no matter how much work that will take
To believe him
To make it clear to everyone I am taken
To put more energy into being with him
To let go of the past
To forgive

How come it seems, when you finally let your guard down it always crushes back to what it was? Whenever you finally think things have changed and they will get better, they go exactly back to treating you like shit and you don't have the strength to tell them off. When I say you, I really mean myself. I always think, and start trusting again in someone, who turns out to do the same exact things. I am tired of being insulted, name called and many other things. How dare someone who barely made it through high school call me a retard and stupid, when I am the one getting a degree, and I am the one who had a job and had to pay his bills, How dare someone who is older then I am by a few years, lives off his parents, tell me that I am a retard and stupid and not to talk to him because "I dont talk to dump people", obviously he has not looked in the mirror recently. I am not dumb, retarded or any of the other names he feels he has the right to insult me with, and then he wonders why the court made him take anger management. I don't insult him, and god knows I am too patient and understanding. I cant not even begin to understand the concept that I am a moron, simply for talking to my own friend and because I asked him what time WoW server time was!!! God, how dare he treat me like that, how dare he think, he can treat me however he wants and expect me to still care for him and go out of my way to see him. What really pisses me off is him saying its too expensive for him to come see me, when I drive to go get him, I pay for everything we do and I pay the cost of tolls. In four months he has paid for one dinner, and then he tells me he doesn't like coming up because it cost him too much money and he can't do anything else. Alse he claims he wants free time, he gets two days without work to himself and most of the time he is with me he is playing video games so you can't really count that as quality relationship time, but he wants me to move closer to him so he can see me when HE wants to and leave when HE wants too, and not once has he made any sarafice, for crying out loud hes skipping my birthday so he can buy himself a 52 new tv because its what HE wants, but tells me he doesn't have the money to do anything for my birthday and we should just forget it this year!!!